On exercise...

Why do I exercise?

 I exercise because it gives me strength. It makes me feel good when I have doubts about myself, and start to worry about stuff. It gives me energy when I am mentally tired, and the strength I need to play my instrument well.

It gives me the stamina to climb mountains and swim in the ocean, and the energy to study and remain positive throughout the day.

I exercise because or else I would be in constant back pain from scoliosis, tight shoulders from playing, practicing, studying, and knee pain from one leg  longer than the other...

I exercise because I have a very addictive personality. I used to smoke about a pack of cigarettes a day throughout college. I thought it helped me focus... When I was 27, I went to take an audition in Salt Lake City, UT, and found myself short of breath going up 5 steps in the hotel. That is when I realized I really wasn't taking very good care of myself. I didn't advance in that audition. I went into my room, closed the curtains, smoked and drank for hours while I cried my eyes out, and made a pact with myself to change things around.

I started to go to an acupuncturist to detox from smoking, and started to walk every morning. Eventually, I met my husband, who introduced me to running, hiking and biking. I started to practice yoga and felt stronger. I was inspired to learn and experience life other than just my profession and the familiar. And then I started to climb, and confront my most basic fears, such as heights, falling, and letting go.

There is something so fascinating about confronting fears dead on. As hard as it is, when I do it, I feel empowered. I will never forget the first time I swam in the ocean, my very first triathlon, my first climb... 

The first time I went climbing, I was so scared that my knees were shaking uncontrollably, and I peed in my pants. Yes, I did. But I kept on going. Not sure if out of anger, or out of relief. I guess I couldn't hit any possible lower point in the embarrassment scale than peeing on myself. So after that, in a way, I was liberated to actually just do what I wanted to do.

First time I went swimming in a "master's swim," I think I drank more water than I actually swam. On my first ocean swim, I was yelled at for not "swimming in a circle" around the buoys.  I was dropped on my first road-bike group ride. It was so bad that I called my husband, crying, to pick me up in the middle of some bumfuck place where I'd gotten lost after they (the group) left me. I felt like an idiot when I went running with a friend 10 years older than me and couldn't catch my breath...

So no, it didn't  feel "great" the first time I tried anything. But who cares??? I could still say "fuck you, I will not swim in a fucking circle when it's just the 2 of us in the ocean and I can choose to stay closer to the shore and feel safer instead of going around that stupid buoy..." or choose to go to a different, friendly-er bike shop (free promo: think world-famous Drew @ city cycle)...

When I start something as an adult I have such fear of embarrassment and of not doing the "right thing." But really, what the hell is the right thing??? In truth, no one knows. Every one has fears, and low points, and embarrassing moments... everyone is human.  So then, I keep on going. I am not the fastest swimmer, runner, biker, or  the most experienced climber. But I do it because it makes me feel good, strong, and able to see life from a different perspective... a better perspective.