In the moment.

It's been a while since I have written, and it seems like an impossible task to write again. Where do I start?

Food?... School?... Money?... Job?… Boyfriends?... Girlfriends?…

The past 2 last years have been such a roller-coaster, where can I possibly start? Maybe I'll just start with now. Now. I the moment.

Today.

Climbed for a long time, pushing, pushing… pushed through another barrier, finally crossed it. And realized as I crossed it that it wasn't about this huge hoopla of crossing the finish line and making it despite all obstacles and drama. It was more just about methodical and steady work. About just keeping on going, little by little, until I passed the line because there was no other way but to pass the line after all the work I put in.

And I realize now that changing a career was and took really just the same type of steady, methodical work as the challenge I had today. The work I started 3 years ago, with the simple decision to take one class to see how I would feel and do. And another. And another. Until I finished all prereq classes, and there was no other direction but the one to school, as hard as getting into an accelerated program seemed. I had done the work, and therefore I was ready for school.

School was not the finish line. Far from it. School was hard. I felt stupid. Dumb. I cried. A lot. I was scared and doubted myself, questioned my sanity and wondered what the hell I was doing. Fear. Frustration. Frustration at how slowly I read, how long it took me to study. I was scared of flunking school, of not being able to keep up. Exhaustion. Anger. Caring for my kids. Lack of money. Lack of a place to do laundry. Relying on friends for food, for washing my clothes.

It was not my feelings or inspiration that got me through school. Definitely not my worries. It was just the simple day to day work. They don't say 10,000 hours for no reason. There is a reason. It takes that length of time to do a task so thoroughly and methodically that I finally become comfortable with it, where I don't have to think about it. Or rather, where I only think about it, instead of thinking about all the reasons why it is so difficult, or why I could not/cannot do it. I become immersed in it.

But immersion is not this immediate, spontaneous happy-ending-movie-like-moment of revelation and elation. It's a slow, methodical, mindful process, to the point that only after hours of starting the work I finally become immersed. Just like practicing cello for hours and hours. The first hour is horrendous, getting up from the chair to do anything and everything every 5 minutes, until I finally settle down in the task of learning a few notes, phrases, lines… and linking it all together into a piece... after days… and months of work.

Maybe life is that way as well. Slowly linking one moment to another, and keeping on mindfully breathing and putting it all together into contentment. Not because happiness is like crossing that flashy finish line. But because there is nowhere to go but to it when the work is diligently, mindfully done, one breath at a time.

In the moment.