Fuck it.

It has a been a year since I moved to Wyoming.

I love this place.

I always dreamed of living here.

I love the expanse. The sage. The sun. The mountains. The uphills. Downhills. Dirt. Rock. Snow. Wind. Winters. Summers. Stars… endless skies… everything.

A year.

The interesting thing that has happened… or has happened to me… is that, all of a sudden…

I started doubting myself.

What if… what if…. is this the right place?… should I be in Florida?… maybe I could do it in Florida, make it work there?… why don't I go back? Shouldn't I go back?… what am I doing here?… should I be here? why not somewhere else?… shouldn't I go to  a bigger city? really, just a city?... really???? why… Lander???

A year.

Are you fucking out of your mind???!!!

That is a familiar feeling.

That is how I felt after a year of divorce.

Why did I do it?… wait, why did I do it??? I forgot. Was it that bad?… Maybe it was all ok? Maybe really it was fine, good? Should I go back? Shouldn't I go back??? Maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe it's doable… and I just exaggerated… maybe... am I out of my mind???...  Wait… wait…

Fucking hell. I don't remember...

My life was.

Perfect.

In the past of course.

Never in the present.

The irony.

There is nothing worse than self doubt. It's like this fear that creeps in… into my mind, my body, my soul… and takes over.

Paralyzed.

Because in that state of mind, anything I want to do... is worthless, really.

And nothing makes sense.

Cause the past is always better, isn't it?

Just perfect.

So then why live?  Really why live???? Just to suffer???...  cause wasn't the past better?… like in all the pictures??? Wasn't it?… Isn't t?

Fuck that.

What you mean fuck that?...

Fuck all that.

Wait, what???...

No, not the cursing part. The past-is-so-great part.

Huh?

That's right.

I lived through the past. Through it all. Just lived. The pictures… and the real shit behind the pictures. And did I collapse and kill myself, or die in a dramatic burning fire, like in the operas?

No.

Shit happens. And we get through it. Just life.

Beautiful.

So a reminder to myself:

Fuck it.

Go for it. Don't half-ass go for it. Go for it. For what you love. For what ticks you. Be true to your self. Fuck it. And be fucked by it.

Live.

The End.